happiness in present

I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal

Hey,

After a terrible Friday, I had only one thought in my mind. Let me forget her completely for coming few days. She came in my mind, but I wanted her out. I was just upset with her. She had totally avoided me yesterday. No, I wasn’t going to call her today and I wasn’t even planning to think about her. But the more I tried to get away, the more I got into her. Life is a bitch. Mind is a bitch too!

Oh, finally I decide to go to gym. After a fucking week, I crossed gyms door. That awkward moment when the new people think how the fuck another noob lifts heavy weights. I am not a noob you idiots. Just a guy who is pissed off between managing a beautiful friendship and a cool but not so happening job. I walked to gym. I did cardio and then back workout. My personal favourite. And one more reason to do it was the terrible back pain cs was having yesterday. So called profession based disorder. Ah, I forget all the queries when at gym. Life turns back to college like days. college like. Hmm. Again a quick cardio and then steam bath. Fucking soothing feeling. awesome!

Back home at 4, lunch, yutube, gmail, facebook and lot stuff. I was kind of jealous about yesterday’s pic that cs had clicked with few fellows. She is different. Out of the world. now she calls me at 7.30 and we end up talking for 2 hours and fifteen minutes. I fucking never talked to someone that long. I swear! May be I talked with rm for 4 hours, not sure about it. But that was freaking more than 2 hours. Argh! She is a really complex personality. If what she tells is correct, then she has an amazing mind that thinks and responds at the same time. Brilliant. Freaking awesome to have a friend like her. I concluded with saying that I enjoy to talk with her. A smile. It really works. You get what you wish. I am really grateful for the fantastic talk I had today.

She even pointed a flaw in me. I am too much proud of my skills. I behave with others as if they are unskilful. May be because I know their passwords and internal life? Yeah, that makes me confident with a particular person. Aren’t hackers humble. I am. If not, I’ll try to be now. Thank you for telling me. I photoshopped my heart out. But couldn’t create what I wanted. A masterpiece coming tomorrow. In college, ak and ka were my models. Here cs is the one. she likes to be clicked I like to click. Lol.

On some youtube videos, there was this guy who told about a factor effecting happiness. Being in present is important. Not letting your mind wander is what he meant. Be completely focused into the work you are currently doing. Don’t think about something that’s more pleasant, neutral or sad.  It won’t end you anywhere near happiness. Let’s hope he is right.

–rd

clearance due

I loved words. I love to sing them and speak them and even now, I must admit, I have fallen into the joy of writing them. Anne Rice

Hey,

It was a nice day. Really nice. I got my point clear and even the leader got it right. The article was correct. The best way to manage people is just ask them how they want to be managed. This thing really rocks. It just melted away any barriers between the team members. Now regarding the attitude and behaviour, we have got into a nice rhythm. This will be the awesome project. Really awesome one.

I got the air cleared. Got the work on path. Now there was a seminar in morning by the new manager. Ah, and when I gave explanation about an answer, they freaking clapped for me. wtf, thanks to cs, she diverted the attention to me. Ah, thanks for that girl. I never had someone diverting proffs attention to me, till now. Then the usual meeting scenario started. I rarely got the time to socialize. During lunch, some talk with cs. Nothing else.

Evening, even she missed me. It looked like that. One thing for sure, I miss her tiffin. She hasn’t shared it with me for a while. I have noticed that whatever I wish of passionately happens. Glad to realize that. And I am also so grateful for it. Damn awesome feeling! I know what I want. And I receive what I want. It’s just that easy. I love it.

Today, a small group of people went for a hangout. Coffee shop and then mall. Me and cs included. It was the first time that I went out with girls in a mall. Lol. Girlish talk kills me. Argh! Anyways, it’s nice to go out after hateful three days at office. Fuck, today my iPhone charger went missing. Blame it on new manager. Grr, I don’t like people misplacing my stuff. That too iPhone accessory, I’ll kill euyou!

A nice walk with cs dropping her till her dad’s work. Meeting with her parents. And another wish coming true. This day is epicly awesome. That part was real fun. Walking with her in her own area. I don’t know how she agreed. I was feeling bad for her. Anyways it was great to meet her parents. Gosh, they kind of interviewed me. lol. Then getting home, dinner, blog, sleep. I am getting used to it. this is getting awesome!

Life has started to rock again!

–rd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

alone, again? umm…

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own. Carol Burnett

Hey,

Yeah, I made myself change. I woke up early. Quiet early, at 6. Dad was surprised to see me up so early. I had made my mind to look more responsible. I never gave a fuck to what others think about me and will never ever do that. I will sleep when I want. I will do things I love, but at same time, I’ll be on time, I’ll be responsible. It’s my life and I want fucking all of ‘em.

For the first time, I took bike to gym, I was scared at first. A couple of mistakes done, overall enjoyable ride. Chest workout in gym. I feel that I shouldn’t take too long breaks. It’s not good that I am taking best quality protein and no workout. Getting to office was kind of difficult today. It was earlier than usual. There was a dramatic point while reading that ebook. It was another way to define personal success. Beginning with an end in mind. Damn, that funeral story literally shattered me. Imaging your loved one’s funeral and then you come to know that person is nothing but you! a deep shocker. How would you want others to think about you? And surprisingly, there were no thoughts related to money, success or anything like that. Just pure value based things. That’s what success is for me then. Amazing. Thank you!

I was in no mood to work. There was no work as such. Cs was super busy all the day. Our positions were interchanged. There used to be days when I was busy with projects and she used to read books. It’s happening with me now. I feel kind of irritated but this is golden opportunity for me. I wanted to eat cs’s tiffin. And today was the day. Girls were going out for lunch. I had no food with me, thanks to her; I saved the money and her food as well. Veggies were really great but I wonder how she manages to eat such fade food all the time. I am so grateful to her.

When I asked her that is she so busy that she doesn’t even have time to look at me, and then she sat for a quick chat. Lol. Evening, a meeting regarding next seminar at college. awesome! I’ll be going to my college after so long time. I know what to bring! My freaking amazing laptop, the wifi adapter and other amazing stuff to accompany me after so many months. I am so happy and grateful to get this opportunity! Cs wanted our involvement too in it. lol.

She made me wait till 9:25pm. Latest ever time recorded by us. By that time, i was playing angry birds on a projector screen. lol. That was a freaky amazing experience! Train journey, quick journey. Never got a spare moment to talk to her. I kind of felt alone. Alone, the way I am usually. This feeling wasn’t there since a long time. This afternoon, I don’t know why but the feeling suddenly grew stronger. Thank goodness cs was there at right moment for a chat. Sometimes I wonder if she really means it from the bottom of her heart or it’s just for show. Really, I never ever trusted anyone fully in my life. I want to trust her but some things just hold me back; I can’t fully trust even her even though I want to.

When at home, I was sleepy, but after getting my hands on fifa 13, I never wanted to sleep. It’s almost 4 am now and I still feel like mastering fifa 13. Actually, they fucked up the controls like last time. damn, it was freaking difficult to get acquainted with those controls and then again beat a team. Cs came online at 2. I wanted to talk to her but something held me back. I thought it wasn’t a good time. Anyways, even she didn’t start the chat. I don’t want any paradigm shit here. Let the facts be facts. Lol.

Off to bed now. I do what I love and I love what I do!

–rd

 

 

 

 

reunited, umm just physically

I do not like to write – I like to have written. Gloria Steinem

Hey,

This dream is the strangest one. I was sent on a war. I was supposed to break into the houses of enemy and kill everyone. But when I went in, I found only ladies in there. I couldn’t even touch them. Killing them is a whole new thing, but I never even touched them. I kind of felt proud of myself. Strangely, the dream broke all of a sudden. I thought I just slept for 15 minutes. But it was 8 hours sleep. My mind was clear today. cs wasn’t on my mind. I had to think extra to get her in my mind. Lol.

It was reunion day. I knew after being apart for so many years, hardly anyone will turn out for the party. I went to gym first. I bunked it twice last week and I didn’t want to miss it even today. It was priority for the day. Empty gym and lots of free time. That’s why I like gymming on Sundays. Steam bath and shower was to follow. Sadly neither sd nor rb came today. I was all alone.

Came home, browsed facebook, prepared to go for reunion, had lunch and I was done. Left home at 4pm. Damn, the time for reunion was 2.30pm Indian standard time. lol. The program hasn’t been started when I arrived. 24 people joined. That was not even one fourth of the class. Missed the fun. We were together, really? We may have been together only physically. There was no more that same emotional bonding. But still I enjoyed a lot. The best thing for the day was that I danced my heart out. I wanted to do this in t’fest, I wanted to do this in college farewell, and I wanted to this on every rock band performance that I attended. But I did it today. I danced, I freaking danced with a group. It felt nice to unleash all that happiness and energy. Seriously, I have been missing all this fun throughout these years. I guess I have started liking dancing. Pizza and patise for snacks and a cocktail of coke and Fanta. Epic meal. Loved it. I liked meeting with friends, specially ok and sd. Am has been always my best friend in school. As always, I opened the gaming competition with a win. Won one lost one. my record continues. Danced three times while playing a board game. Only I know how silly and embarrassed I felt. But I own it. If someone enjoys watching it, my pleasure, sir! 7.30 was the deadline and it was to be followed strictly this time. A game has to be stopped abruptly. That was good in one sense because it was getting boring. Can’t forget how silly bt danced. I guess all we engineering nerds to it in same way. A big lol at him. I still feel it could have been better. But when was the last time I interacted with girls in my class so much? I loved it. I really like it. It should be twice a year or may be more than that. My school is not the same as it used to be. Enjoyed being innocent child again. This place makes me forget all worries and responsibilities. All I can see is boys and girls like me coming together to learn and be a good citizen. I missed my Sanskrit teacher and my school sweet heart. Both were not there. She is the main reason that I go to this reunion thing. Damn, where were you girl? After all this was over, everyone went to their own way. East and West no goodbyes, no emotional hugs? Was attending the reunion just a formality? eh? And girls, you have become fat. lol.  To sum up things, I can dance, I love to dance, it could have been better but still it was epic as hell.

Am gave me a lift till halfway. Then I walked to home. Browsed Facebook. Cs was online. I just said hi to her. Before that I waited for long hoping that she will ping me. No, I couldn’t take anymore. When people reply so late I just hate it. It’s a turn off for me. I just went off saying good night. Sometimes I feel, this is not what I left college for. My quest was altogether different. And my current track is different. Mind says no, heart says yes. I want it both. No, what matters is what she thinks. Why I feel it’s just one way affair? Why she never calls me apart from work? I don’t want to be as a colleague of hers, I want to be her friend from college. At work, she cares about me, talks to me, supports me when someone goes against me. Why not outside then? I want her to be with me even at weekends and even during non-work days. Sometimes I think I am imposing myself on her. I can’t control her feelings but just can I get her to think the same way as I do? I can make this going for a long time but what is its use? It’s time to move into a new territory. It’s time to be together.

Thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for reuniting me with my sweet childhood. Thank you for such an awesome girl in my life. I am grateful for all these things.

–rd

Funny man

Easy reading is damn hard writing. Nathaniel Hawthorne

Hey,

After so many days finally the training session starts in office. Wtf, why they don’t do it regularly? Many people didn’t know about that session. Even cs was not knowing about it. When I saw her signing the attendance sheet, I asked her to get in the room. She was busy shifting the place to new cabin. Lol. Even I went to new place but with her.

She was more involved in me today. Don’t know what happens to her mood. It just swings to and fro. There is an event where we need to work in groups and present something. An idea related to TED. I sneaked behind the person who was creating those groups. And I and she were in same group. Sigh! A great relief. Even she wanted us to be in same group and she even publicly asked for that. I was in me gusta! condition. I can see jealous faces all around when people watch us together.

After the session, we went to our new place. She offered prayer before starting to work at the new place. Lol. That was kind of cute. One thing about cubicle that sucks is the glass between mine and her desk. Damn, it’s fitted with screw driver otherwise we would have removed it. Today’s task was reading from ebook. I kind of felt like it was a setback for me. Starting again with basics? Damn. But that will buy us some time together. Tension free and knowledgeable life in corporate sector. What could be better than this? Yes, to add something to it, company of cs. Now that makes situation perfect.

Most of the day, we were sitting on same desk and planning the schedule. And we started with it finally. I was in light mood today. I generally find myself in such situation with my pals ka, pr and ak. Cracking jokes and making the environment light. Cs couldn’t stop laughing on my jokes. Even I wondered if it was really my joke or my foolishness. Lol. The best part with her is trying to annoy her. She returns it with same effect. I tried sending an email on her behalf. And she held both my hands to try and stop me. That was fun. The purpose was not to annoy her but to hold her hand. Lol. I don’t know if even she thinks the same way as I do. Tell me girl. I want you to tell me about your feelings first. She was humming a romantic song after she held my hand. What was that about? Are we on right track? I want to get her in my life forever. It is going nice and smooth. Let it be a bit more passionate. More steamy kind of relationship. I want that. I invited her to my place this weekend but she took it as a joke and left. At least she got my cue. Hoping for the best.

In gym, I was thinking is this really me? Spending a month trying to learn new technology? I fucking need to go the college like speed. Don’t get things monotonous. Learn new technologies too. That’s what life is about. Great time in gym with school pal rb. He is my new gym mate along with sd. Damn, they both figured out somehow that I am in love. lol. Thank you for that feeling. thank you for this life. So much grateful for this.

–rd

your wish is my command!

I am a drinker with writing problems. Brendan Behan

Hey,

An awesome day that blooms our relationship even more. I anticipated something epic was about to come in my life. And it turns out to be true just the next freaking day. wow. Day started with another dream. I was in college, we were getting our results. Everyone was there. Even some of my school friends but where was my girl? Where was cs? I was searching for her. Couldn’t take the pain of separation. I just needed her. And then when I was about to call her, dream broke. It was 8 am. And I was getting late.

I reached office at 11. Strange weather. Heavy rains in north Mumbai and no rains in central and south Mumbai. Cs was already in office. Looked offbeat. Didn’t even say hi to me. I guess she was going through the same frustration that I had gone though in last weekend. Hardly looked at me. I tried to strike conversation. Then she started speaking to me. I tried to do whatever I had decided to avoid being friendzoned. She spent her weekend at home without friends. May be that’s why she must have felt restless like me. She could have called me. Getting to know what we do in weekends is our favourite task on Mondays. Post lunch time was awesome.

She changed her place to avoid ac cooling. And even asked me to come along. I couldn’t deny her sweet smile and innocent face. I followed her without making a fuss. I was sitting on another colleagues place. I knew I will have to leave once he arrives. He arrived, and I had to return to my place. Cs was left there with him. I decided to try if she comes to sit next to me. I pinged her and asked to come ahead with me. Without hesitation she came. That was one victorious moment. Made my day! I knew even she likes, respects and trusts me. She had brought veg Frankie in her tiffin. Gosh, my favourite. Shared some with me. When I said thanks she scolded me. lol. I liked it. I showed her the gym pic that I clicked yesterday. She asked me why I was losing weight. My body was perfect. Yes she said this. Oh, I was flattered. And on work front I am glad that I can concentrate fully on work. Studied the code used in building a website.

We both left the office together. When her bus stop arrived, I started to walk away. But she asked me to stop. She wanted to tell something to me. She kind of felt bullied in her new project. She didn’t like her team mates. I tried to calm her and even wished to help her. She wasn’t picking up the way she should. Even I was concerned about it. I waited and talked with her for about 10 minutes at the bus stop. Gosh, that’s what I wanted. Some private time with her. My wish came true. She even invited me home. Woot! She looked the way I saw her in my dream for the first time. I love her. Everything is going the way it should. Even she likes me now I am damn sure. I want a concrete strong commitment now. I know even this will turn true. Because I believe it. I unconditionally believe that we will be together very soon. That’s that!

Thanks to the time I spent with her, I almost missed my gym. Went there at 9.10pm. sg saw my profile pic and complemented me about it. Leg work out today. I took it easy. No heavy duty exercise today. Even there I was thinking about her. She is with me every moment. I like it. I want her to be forever with me. I am waiting for tomorrow when we can again talk at bus stop. And finally showed my pay check to dad. 6 days after getting it. A pat on back and a well done complement. Thank you dad! You must be proud of me. haha. I am grateful for this day in my life. I am grateful for these moments in my life that bring me joy and love.

–rd