clearance due

I loved words. I love to sing them and speak them and even now, I must admit, I have fallen into the joy of writing them. Anne Rice

Hey,

It was a nice day. Really nice. I got my point clear and even the leader got it right. The article was correct. The best way to manage people is just ask them how they want to be managed. This thing really rocks. It just melted away any barriers between the team members. Now regarding the attitude and behaviour, we have got into a nice rhythm. This will be the awesome project. Really awesome one.

I got the air cleared. Got the work on path. Now there was a seminar in morning by the new manager. Ah, and when I gave explanation about an answer, they freaking clapped for me. wtf, thanks to cs, she diverted the attention to me. Ah, thanks for that girl. I never had someone diverting proffs attention to me, till now. Then the usual meeting scenario started. I rarely got the time to socialize. During lunch, some talk with cs. Nothing else.

Evening, even she missed me. It looked like that. One thing for sure, I miss her tiffin. She hasn’t shared it with me for a while. I have noticed that whatever I wish of passionately happens. Glad to realize that. And I am also so grateful for it. Damn awesome feeling! I know what I want. And I receive what I want. It’s just that easy. I love it.

Today, a small group of people went for a hangout. Coffee shop and then mall. Me and cs included. It was the first time that I went out with girls in a mall. Lol. Girlish talk kills me. Argh! Anyways, it’s nice to go out after hateful three days at office. Fuck, today my iPhone charger went missing. Blame it on new manager. Grr, I don’t like people misplacing my stuff. That too iPhone accessory, I’ll kill euyou!

A nice walk with cs dropping her till her dad’s work. Meeting with her parents. And another wish coming true. This day is epicly awesome. That part was real fun. Walking with her in her own area. I don’t know how she agreed. I was feeling bad for her. Anyways it was great to meet her parents. Gosh, they kind of interviewed me. lol. Then getting home, dinner, blog, sleep. I am getting used to it. this is getting awesome!

Life has started to rock again!

–rd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i need sleep!

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can’t help it. Leo Rosten

Hey,

Damn, bloody shit. What have I turned my life into? In one week, I came home late thrice. Fucking thrice. 1 am on Friday, 12 am on Tuesday and 6 am on Wednesday. My sleep, my dear sleep, where are you? I miss you so much. I slept at 6 and wanted to get up at 8 but it turned out to be 10. I knew I was screwed. I was going to miss the seminar of one of the strictest person in office. Even stricter than a school teacher.

For the first time in so many years, I was actually scared of going late. I never felt the fear when I bunked my classes in college. I used to go at 2pm. I never cared. Today was something different. Not enough sleep, the fear of going late. What the fuck has my life turned into?

Cs was eager to talk today. She even asked me the reason for coming late. Was kind of concerned. She is the only friend in my life with whom I have opened up so much. I guess it’s not possible with a guy. May be guys open up to girls and vice versa. I feel kind of secure to share my feelings with her. But from last few days I have a feeling that we are inching apart from each other. Today she even told me not to sit next to her in bus. Oh, the whole bust was empty and I could just see her face and very limited talk. I was angry and disappointed too. But she still wanted to talk.

After getting home, I explained to her what I felt regarding this. I don’t want to be in anger or any misunderstandings. But she had her point placed correctly. I had to agree sad heartedly. Oh, I wish the world was never so bad. She talks about the bonding, I don’t know. But I respect her a lot. And if she says or feels something that makes her happy or satisfied, then I got no reason to be on opposite side of it.

A talk with her is so soothing. Specially the bonding thing. I don’t know if she really meant it or just says to keep my heart. Anyways, I take the positive part. Also filled a form that takes me away from a shitty survey scheme. Relieved! I wanted to sleep till the end of the world today. Got some sleep in bus. And so missed talking with cs.

–rd

 

 

miss 1

The desire to write grows with writing. Desiderius Erasmus

Hey,

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child

sometimes I feel like the chosen one

Sometimes I wanna shout out ’til everything goes quiet

sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

Life can be difficult. One day you lose someone important in your life. Sometimes the time for which you are not together is only few seconds and sometimes it is for life time. It’s all about how you take it. The feeling when I left school, the feeling when I left college, the feeling today, when cs was not going to be with me for the first time in last 5 months. I was feeling as if she had left the job and I was going in office all alone. Seriously, this was the feeling when I left home.

I spent half an hour at railway station just to wait for shitty fast train which was overcrowded and I couldn’t get in. Result? Office at 12. Arrgh, what a day it was, spent almost all the time till lunch doing info-sec work. Office was like a desert. No fun, no one to talk to, no usual hustle –bustle.

Even lunch was kind of boring. There was fun. But it was clear that everyone was missing cs. Hmm. Db’s birthday was celebrated today. It was fun. At least something was funny. And that awkward moment when I left office alone. I walked till railway station due to some traffic problems.

Gym after getting home. Everyone was surprised to see me. Damn, who the fuck says my communication skills suck. Look at me now. This place is awesome. I socialize, I laugh, I gain health, I get respect, I make contacts, I have fun and most importantly, it makes me forget all the shitty stuff that happened with me that day. Awesome! Now getting home walking on a lonely street. Orange streetlamps all over the way and my favorite playlist. I wish this could never end. It was awesome walk. Even better than late night bike ride. Lol. A late night chat with cs to end the day. Ah, morning gym tomorrow at any cost. I swear!

–rd

scattered thoughts

Sometimes when I think how good my book can be, I can hardly breathe. Truman Capote

Hey,

Is there a sudden shift in feelings? Why and how is it? There used to be a time when I was a fan of her, wanted to talk to her every moment. And she was different. At least appeared to be different. Then she started missing me and I gave her some space. When she expressed that she misses me, I started giving attention to her. Now she stays away. What’s this cycle? Is this normal? Why can’t both feel positive at the same time, always? I wish this change to happen. On my wish list.

There is something else on my wish list. Get some serious bodybuilding, muscular look. I got slim, lost 17 kg, cool. Now I wish to look muscular, this feeling of being slim is kind of eating me out. Guys have started asking am I 17 or 18. Freaks, I am 22! Anyways, got a new contact in gym today. Great that he is a protein dealer. I showed interest in business and he opened up with tips. I like to talk to people in one on one. I don’t like to talk in group where most people are unknown to me. Friends group, I can handle that. Back workout is always my favorite. People from college never come for outing these days. And people from office have their own plans. Not always I can fit in. on Saturdays, I am left with late mornings, gym, nap and internet in the evening.

I feel like I wasted my movie time, video tutorial time and other creative time apart from a nice chat with cs on phone and chat. A small talk with her makes me content. Such is the magic. Tomorrow, that epic day will arrive after 5 months. I am going back to college. That epic feeling, my laptop with me, the wifi antenna connector hidden inside, will miss ak, ka and pr. There will be cs with me. I wanted this to happen. I wanted to be with her in college formally. Apart from placement sessions. Tomorrow! I am waiting for you!

–rd

 

where am I?

I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal

Hey,

Less sleep, less concentration and hence less productivity. That has been the story of the day. I think I am getting back to normal me. Not completely but still, part by part. I have started with getting late to every place I go. lol. That appears to be in my genes.

I was very frustrated the whole day. Dafuq, making that photoshop cover pic made me sleep at 2am. And I got up at 8.30. My schedule was fucked up. I want to sleep early today. cs was at her best today. No shitty talk just total dedication to work. I have never seen this side of hers. I was dumb struck. She even helped me in completing my task. And went ahead to do some of her own tasks on her own. That was brilliant. I kept asking what she was up to. Damn, bitch never replied until it was done. Setting up mail server on localhost. And she was consulting top engineer for that. Epic facepalm moment for me.  What the fuck. Why on earth I was pissed off just to know what she was doing? Let her do her own stuff. Let her discover her own happiness. I continue to feel restless when she is not around. But I guess, I have lost the same feeling that was in the beginning. Or am I used to that feeling? Possible.

I don’t know why I feel like this is the end of the world when I get a task. I feel like omg, now I am gone. I’ll have to wait till late night to complete that shit. But in actual, it’s hardly any longer than an hour. Shit. I badly need to meditate. I am losing control. My mind is total freak. I want to hold it back. That love thing made me live in euphoria. Now in morning, cs didn’t even look at me. She says hi when I ask for her attention. Is something wrong? Where is that pink coloured feeling of happiness? When some guys make fun of her in lunch break, I don’t like it. Religion isn’t a thing to make fun of. Especially in India. I felt like defending her. But kept mum. She cried. I guess she can’t take criticism. Are all girls like this? Then in the evening, when her task was over, she was back to her normal self. I feel like I am mostly involved in her. Not getting interactive with others may take a toll. But who cares when cs is around. Sometimes I feel like yelling at her. Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes I feel jealous of her. Sometimes I feel like leaving everything and go back to college to live a life of a free bird. It’s because of cs that I never looked back to my college life. I feel lucky to have her as my friend. I don’t know why but I feel like missing something. Sweetness in our relationship? Is it to die without even blooming fully? I am demanding too much too early? I just want to ask her one question. Y U no understand my feeling? Yesterday, she was all different. And today, she was nothing like yesterday. This frustrated me. Touch was what I was looking for. Got it. I am eagerly waiting for our first kiss. Yup, that would be an epic experience.

Let me start with something new. Did photoshop yesterday. Let me do hacking today. I don’t want my skills to rust. Hey, can I get my sweetheart cs back tomorrow? Please girl, make a move. I am waiting for it.

–rd

 

Breath, hope, Faith : Euro!

“What does censorship reveal? It reveals fear.” – Julian Assange

Hey,

As usual these days, I got up with thoughts of her. But I was in control. Yeah, right. I had to do it. Otherwise I was screwed. As I noticed, the feeling fades away with time. In gym, I realized this feeling was not at all new to me. I realized when cousin vb used to come over at my place in summer vacations; I used get too much involved with him. And when he used to leave, I went through from same kind of feeling that left me attached to him. I was a kid at that time. Same happened when I went to a trip with him and cousin ako. After the trip, I wasn’t ready to go on with my own routine. I wanted us to stay together always. But that didn’t happen. As a result, I was seriously ill with fever for an entire week. I just never wanted happy days to end.

Can’t say this with college pals. I’ll miss the place and time as well but I know they are now friends for life. I am not going to lose them for my entire life. And yes, even cs is my college friend. And our friendship is going to be a lifelong friendship. I am sure. On both the above occasions I was a kid. It wasn’t actually love or was it? This has left me confused over what is actually happening to me. to be honest, I wanted to get in a relationship. Am I imposing this on cs? The only way to know it is that she opens up her mind to me. I don’t want it one way.

I realized I had so many things to do today. But then I took a nap after lunch and watched the avengers movie in the evening. No doubt avengers is a freaking great movie. Simple concept, nice acting and awesome action. Power packed stuff. The ending fighting sequence reminded me of typical Bollywood movie. Heroes come together and beat the shit out of badasses. They hit them on head, body and every visible place but get things done. Iron man was awesome. I liked him the most.  Most of his time was spent in that tiny helmet screen showing some calculations. That was funny. Everyone knew it was going to be a happy ending movie. No big deal about that. There were nice comedy scenes too. Here’s one. Thor says Loki is my brother. Black widow replies that he killed 80 people. Thor’s epic reply – He was adopted!

Just managed to complete watching the movie when euro final was starting. Spanish armada looks fully loaded. The best thing for Spanish is xavi is back in form. Silva put them in from early in 14^th minute. Then the fantastic alba who played awesomely throughout the tournament scored his first goal. From where did he come? Saint iker casillas is again unbeatable. Spain did same with Italy what the Italians did to Germans. First half and two goals down. Balotelli isn’t getting enough opportunities. How could he, Spain is dominating the entire midfield. Spain has not beaten Italy since 1920. History may be made tonight.

Casillas is unbeaten since last 500 something minutes. That’s epic. Chiellini and motta were injured. Why were they included in starting line-up? Looks like I was wrong. Spain is still the best side out there. Italy entered finals scoring 6 goals. Torres repeats history. He did it again. He did it in euro 2008, he did it against barca and he has done it again now. Spain is 3-0 ahead. The golden boy of Spain gets golden boot and he surely knows how to kill the game. Happy that he plays for Chelsea. Mata makes it 4-0. Scores within 60 seconds after coming in as a sub. The Chelsea guys know how to rock the party!

Italy humiliated. Spain the best in world! Best in Europe! Busquets has won, 2 Euro‘s, World Cup, La Liga x3, UCL x2, Coppa DR x2, UEFA SC x2, Club World Cup x2. He’s 23. Fact: Fernando Torres NEVER LOST FINAL in his life. ‪Oh, 30 days of Euro ’12 come to an end. Football is life! thank you for all this brilliance! Thank you to all players.

–rd