hate is love

Writing is a struggle against silence. Carlos Fuentes

Hey,

I am fucked! What the fuck just happened? What part of my life have I stepped in? Why everything appears foggy and dark? Where’s all the hope and fun? Where’s my free and cool attitude? I don’t like being treated like a bull. Being tied to something and doing things based on time. This is real shit.

I got up early, and reached office at 10. Wtf, when was the last time I got in at 10? The receptionist was looking in awe. As if she saw an alien. Let it be. Why just she, yv and aj were wondering how the fuck this cool dude came early? The worst part about new project is endless meetings. Now this guy tells me to behave the way he wants otherwise he will lose trust in me and won’t help me again. Why the fuck this ego enters in human beings? Why on earth I should care first about what others might feel, and that too analysing the situation, trying to anticipate the consequences, ah that shit. Where is me? Where is my free will? He tells me that I am filled with negativity and have no patience. Point noted sir. At this moment of time, I care nothing. I don’t give a fuck to anything at this time. Seriously.

I opened up my mind to cs, told her what I felt. Don’t know what she thinks of me. Sometimes I just feel like she is using me. Sometimes, I feel bullied by her actions. I treat her like a queen and she treats me like a commoner. Huh, sometimes I really think that am I being myself with her? Am I protecting her too much? Why do I get jealous when she goes out with some other colleague? And I don’t go because I prefer to be with her? All these questions, questions. Sometimes there are no answers or sometimes, there are answers but it’s good to have them hidden.

I really missed rg today. I could have told this issue to him. Damn, he is missing. I want a freaking break. I want to move away from all this shit. Clear up my mind. And return with the awesome me. The me that discusses ideas and not people. The me who is a gamer dude. The me who is a hacker. The me who is a photoshoper. The me who is me! It has been so much time but have I played fifa 13? Have I touched its manager mode? What the fuck is wrong with the gamer, the hacker inside me? Where are those people? Have I left them at college? Let me find them. I am too much involved with emotions these days. Ah, these emotions kill me, literally!

–rd

missing friends

I try to leave out the parts that people skip. Elmore Leonard

Hey,

What a disappointing Saturday. Not even this not even that. Got up late and went to gym. I wanted an outing today. But fuck that, no one from college seems to be free these days. How will they go out when they get responsibilities after some months? Anyways, even I wanted some rest.

Biceps workout in gym. And that new protein’s taste just sucks. I was about to throw up the first time I took a sip. Why the best one has to taste bad? Got home and then ss called me. He is the only one who keeps in touch. Rest may be busy with their own new found life. sd called me too. He wanted some help in appearing for an exam. His application was rejected. Was disturbed. I went on to check youtube and gmail. Cs had sent an email. The usual send this to people you care email. Glad to know I come in that list. I was just wandering through the memory lane of college days. Checked profiles of ak, ka and pr. Checked all the photos of them. Most of them clicked by me. photoshopped by me. I just miss those golden days. When they were always there for me. No drama, no shit, just pure understanding. Wtf, I would pay anything to get those days back. I would love to click our photos on t’fest, cult fest and the regular college days once again. I just miss it badly.

I thought el classico was today, so I took a nap at 6. Got up at 8 and watched Chelsea playing at home. 16 goals in 4 matches. Freaking awesome. torres, mata, hazard and Oskar these guys are just brilliant. I was shocked to read that essien was loaned to madrid. Real shock for me. I wonder what mikel is doing at bridge. He should have been the new lampard by now. Anyways, got some new games for my iphone. Car racing. I just love those graphics but I hate playing games on smartphone. Games are played on consoles and pcs. Choosing from 10 different buttons, hand and eye co-ordination at its best. No such fun on smartphone games.

Cs was online late night. We hardly discussed our day and she went to bed. Looks like I got her addicted to chatting. Now she keeps on chatting with other guys and keeps me waiting for reply. Argh! I was up till almost the morning. Till 4.30am. Got a chance to talk with nk. Glad to see him settling down at Washington. He was worried about my insomnia. Lol. It looked like he felt alone and wanted someone to talk. May be for the first time, he wasn’t bored to talk to me. lol. Awesome work he is doing and he really deserves what he got. Glad to have friend like him.

–rd

return happyness();

I am a drinker with writing problems. Brendan Behan

Hey,

The joy returns. I am happy yet again. I don’t know how much time that lasts, but still I love the feeling of being happy. I think too much. That’s the problem. Stop thinking and start doing. Fuck all problems, nothing lasts forever. I am awesome and I am happy.

Didn’t go to gym today. I was too tired. Got up at 8.30, as usual. And usual time to go to office. 11am. late by one and a half hour. Lol. Went straight away to cs’s table. Talked a lot. I was standing there with my bag on. Discussing the practice project that I wanted to help her in. it was nice to talk to her. As if I was waiting for this opportunity for years. Next was finding some things that will enhance the ui  of project. It was lunch break in no time. One of the office mates had brought special sweet today. It was awesome. Typical sweet dish made on occasion of Eid. I wanted to taste it since childhood, got the opportunity today.

There were lots of talks with cs today. Regarding project, life and rest. I enjoyed it.  I wish everyday would have been the same. There was a training session today. I was sitting next to cs and fuck, I got nothing out of that session. The topic was most interesting thing I wanted to learn since last couple of years. Damn, totally missed understanding the basics. I have to do it on my own now. Me and cs were looking at each other’s face and laughing. Because both of us were blank about what was going on. Lol. That reminded me about the college lectures. I used to sit like this the whole time, trying to figure out what the fuck was the proff talking about. Refreshed my memories. Oh, I got a small task from manager that cs snatched away from me, grr, wants all the credits. Bad girl.

We were sitting together in conference room alone and I told her that we should sit together for some more time. But no, she cares too much about public. What might others think and all that shit. Even I used to think like that until I got into my engineering college. lol. Then all was about me and fuck the rest. I cared about nothing. And here I am. Fine and kicking. Lol. During her evening dinner, she kept some of her tiffin for me. And we tried to learn on our own about the shit that we didn’t get in training. Damn, it was tough. Windows vs. Linux type of shit. She kept me waiting till 9pm. the latest we stayed in office ever. Does she know how much I care for her, how much respect her? I am that kind of guy who never fucking crosses the leaving time. Not in college, and even not in office. Just stayed late for her. To give her company.  And what had she left for me in her tiffin? Few pieces of pasta. Lol. But still, even she cared for me. Thank you very much for that. Bus journey was awesome too. Time just passed away. We were so much involved in talking that 20 minutes journey looked like 2 minutes. Then it was all me.

I thought about quitting all this and taking a break but things changed like a wheel. Upside down, inside out, any and every fucking direction. Suddenly all the happiness was back. And I expect this condition to last for a long. Real long. Now that I am better and not so tired, I plan to go to gym tomorrow morning. Fucking 4 hours of sleep. Cs is still online. Fuck, says she maintaining networks. Lol. Chatting with office mates and asking me to do the same. And I did. I wonder why I always follow her. Anyways, I am happy.

–rd